I am looking down the hole in the massage table, listening to the noises of the massage parlor. I rarely hear anything more than conversations among the staff, noises of walking and doors closing, or the slapping of hands on flesh as someone gets their bodywork. Only once, in a regular massage parlor, did I hear "sounds of sensuality" from the room next to mine. Once, in 14 years.

I still remember it well, and it still gives me thrills. Little girl whimper sounds from a little Korean girl getting her button pushed by some lucky customer. Maybe it wasn't real.. maybe she was an amazing actress, but you will never sell me on that idea. I heard it, and I know it was the realest audible sensual response I have ever witnessed either through a wall or in person, in my lifetime. She was getting off and letting go and IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I like to tell myself that the women I have touched have felt that way, too, and that I simply was never in a position to listen to my own activities from the room next door, but that's my fantasy...

I just wanted to write today, to any one who might be listening.

My friends these days are asian massage parlor workers.I'm half asian, so I am a novelty to them. I look like them, but don't understand them and I don't act the way they expect me to act. Since they are here in a foreign land, after they have been here a month or so I am like a missing link to them. They want to learn from me, and they see me as what they might become if they learn to understand this American culture. I even had one late bloomer 19 year old Chinese girl grab my under wear and look at my pussy today. She wanted to see what mine looked like, as if she expected it to be different from hers. Whatever.

One very big barrier to them becoming me has always been obvious, but today we put it into words. One of the girls has been having sex with an American customer on a regular basis for a few weeks now. We all know it's going on. Harvey's smitten with her, and he visits a few times per week. He acts like a little boy in love, even though it's obvious he only allows those feelings to exist inside our little massage parlor. I'm sure he has a wife and grown kids in his "real life". But once Harvey enters through our pearly gates, he's hungry for some Chinese pussy named Sarah, and Sarah is happy to receive his attention.

What Sarah put into words today is WHY she is so happy to have him interested in her. As she puts it, she's no good. Shes "not good... no good". The Chinese she uses means dirty, or ugly, or maybe filthy or garbage. She views herself as unwanted trash, and that is why she likes the massage parlor world. In here, she is accepted as a person. Outside, as she sees herself reflected in the eyes of others, she is worthless and dirty. Now she has a man who looks normal and respectable, interested in kissing her. That's right, because he looks like a real respectable person, and he is willing to put his mouth on her, and his thing inside her, she feels cleaner. She feels "as good as other girl". We also learned today that this customer has been riding her bareback since the third visit to see her. That means he wants sex with no condom, which she delivers. She revealed that his interest in no-condom sex with her proves that she is clean. He wanted her, and he chooses her, and he isn't afraid that she is dirty and ugly and garbage.

Now I know this guy is a stupid dickhead and the two of them have probably got the filthiest private parts in the state, but think about how she really feels. Her world has so beaten her down that she is shit, so when a guy who claims to be "regular" is willing to take a risk on her, that makes her feel valued. What a sick situation. We talked about it today. The big difference between US (meaning you and me... people living in this North American society) and them (the Asian whores coming to work here after having worked as whores in Asia) is that WE don't know our place in society. We are scum.. you and me, because we are filthy whores. You buy sex from whores, and I sell my body for money to trash like you. That makes us both dirt. The rest of the world knows this. They treat their garbage like garbage. In Korea, whores are whores and not worthy or recognition by society except as dirty whores. But here, we treat people like they are equal. An ex-whore can get a job and people will actually help her try and get along. Not so in Korea or China, where a whore is a whore for life and even a child of a whore has no choice but be a whore.

In our society I'm a filthy whore but I dress up well. When I go out into the world you don't know I am anything other than the beautiful International co-ed I look like. And neither do I. I know I am just as good as you and everybody else. In fact, because I am articulate and Asian, you people think I'm smarter than I really am. If a woman dared to question me on the street, or suggest I was a whore, I'd chew her out and let her know she had no place talking trash to me like that. My asian friends laugh at that idea. That I, a massage parlor whore, would go to town and stand up for myself - that's unimaginable to them.

Funny that the source of my confidence is my experience. I actually know for fact how much of a shithead everyone out there really is. I know that the pious bitch housewife who storms into the massage parlor looking for the hussy who stole her husband is actually a dumbitch who sucked ten or 20 guys in the back seat of cars before she discovered the one she would marry. I know she took it in the ass from 3 or 4 of those, hoping to give them what they can't easily get, in order to hold on to one of them as a husband. I know the local minister visits with his bag of leather toys once a month, and I know the local police chief has a foot fetish. He likes the smell of man juice on leather... he gets off on it. When he's not busting massage girls for offering hand job happy endings, he's paying girls to let him ejaculate into their shoes so he can lick them clean.

These asian massage girls apparently believe that the mayor is an honest and dedicated public servant. They apparently believe that the former mayor, in the news because he is married 51 years to one woman, never "strayed". They don't know about the 32 years of outcall provided by my former boss, which included a few years of personal service to the mighty mayor, who happened to like being tied up. What these girls are is ignorant, more than any thing else.